I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
