The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
