Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
