I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
