She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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