dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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