you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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