You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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