Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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