six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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