I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
