so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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