What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
