I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
