I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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