Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Randomize
