I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
