i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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