vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
