there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
