Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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