I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
