I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
40s are totally the cure
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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