alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize