I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
