Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
