My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
