i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found puke in my bra..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize