so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
