____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
