Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
