I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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