woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
