I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I touched a dick in church today
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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