i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
