The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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