i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
