I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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