What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
