I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
