My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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