I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
