Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
