Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
