running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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