You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
