Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
