I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
