He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
