Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
