I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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