if you like me you must not know who I am
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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