A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
