my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
