the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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