So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
