I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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