Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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