So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
